Dialog Friday; Emotional Intelligence Lacking

(First I feel I must apologize for not being around and participating more this week! I have an old back injury that has been giving me problems, and my lap top is not working, so I can’t sit at the desk without wanting to shoot myself! Oy.)

I have been troubled this week, not just by back pain. I have been troubled by cruelty and stupidity. An utter lack of emotional intelligence in the world has got me down...

I don’t watch American Idol, but I have seen clips of the show this week on several shows. The truth is, I used to watch it, but then it came to a point (at about the second season), when the making fun of people who obviously felt desperate to prove their talent was just not funny to me. Then the producers went more and more in this direction, after the whole stupid William Hung thing, and his version of “She Bang”, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Then there was the childish bickering between <s>the drunken</s> Paula Abdul and Simon—I mean, really? That’s entertaining?

But the ratings just got higher and higher. And once again I say to myself “Goodbye, sweet

America

! Goodbye!” Because as went the

Roman Empire

… I’m just sayin’.

Another instance of cruelty made into entertainment that has been all over the news, is the gang beating of one adolescent girl by a group of other girls--- all filmed for posting on U-tube. This makes me angry and sick to my PMSing tummy.

What would you do if these were your girls? Stick up for them, and say “they were just kids being kids” like one of the mom’s of one of these disgusting little bitches did? Because I could sooner see myself sprouting spring flowers out of my ass, then say something so ignorant and stupid. Seriously. Big fragrant blooms. Right out my ass.

No. If these were my kids, I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had failed miserably as a parent and role model. I would feel so shamed—of myself, and of my kid—that I would be eager to allow her to get in as much trouble as was possible, without stepping in and trying to save her! I would be standing up and asking for the full punishment in the hope that it might, just might, save her from a life of prison and meaninglessness.

What is wrong with people? When did we go so far off balance as a society?  When did filming the pain and humiliation of others become a great idea, and fun to watch for the average American? Because these girls got this idea from somewhere, and AI get’s the ratings because lots and lots of people watch it and laugh.

..I have read two different national polls lately that have both said that teens rate fame as the most important goal in life. Fame-- above wealth, above education, above having a family, or helping society... Fame… Why are our kids so hungry for empty approval, adoration and recognition? Why are they starving for validation? It is as if a life doesn’t really happen if it isn’t on TV! It is as if a person isn’t real, if they aren’t famous! That is why these dumb parents stand outside waiting to comfort their strikingly untalented child at those American Idol try outs. That is why they say, “Oh baby, don’t worry, you will be famous!”

Give.

Me.

A. Break.

You know how you love your kid, moron? You look them in their face and you say, “Baby. You can’t sing worth a crap. I won’t let you be the joke for millions of people, because I failed to instill in you what your real value is as a human being, and you feel so worthless and invisible that you think you will only matter if you get on this stupid-ass show, and make it big! Because you are big! Your soul is big! You DO matter, because you have the hands that can be tender to another’s needs, because you have a heart that can feel deeply another’s pain, because you have the brain that can create something no one else can! You DO matter already, and you will find your place in the world! But this isn’t it.”

I wish to God that people would understand that the honor of parenting a child means that you are also responsible for their character development, not just the feeding and hugging. I wish people realized that they are raising a citizen of the world, and that is a job that takes a little effort, for crying out loud! They do not need you to tell them they are beautiful and wonderful and can do no wrong. They do not need awards for every single thing they attempt. They do not need to be told when they do something evil and destructive, that it is okay!  It is not okay!!

For God’s sake—and I mean that—for God’s sake!—act like the adult. Realize that it is you against the world, and you are your child’s only hope. Realize that you owe it to me as a fellow citizen to try a little harder—just as I owe it to you.

Because how different would our world be, if instead of raising a generation of kids who want to be famous, or who can not feel another’s pain, we instead were raising a generation of kids who understood on a cellular level that they had their whole lives ahead of them to make this world a better place, and this was their purpose? What if they believed they could find a cure for AIDS, or stop child abuse, or famine in their lifetimes? Do you think people just fall into these honorable ideas? Because they don’t. And yes, I know their are great kids out here! But how are those great kids supposed to get any of that wonderful stuff done, if they are busy dealing with all the self-centered idiots? Huh?

So my question for dialog is this: How do/did/will you parent, to teach and instill depth of character in your child? A grounded sense of self? Compassion? Or did you think about it? Are there things you wish you could go back and teach, or moments you wish you had not let slip by? What advice would you give now?

Amber at The Believing Soul

Comments

[Jana]

As a child who was tormented on a daily basis through the school years, that's definately an important topic.

I'm a single woman, with no kids, so I don't have a lot of wise advice. At this point? I plan to make sure my children understand that making hurtful comments is not funny, or tolerated in our family. I plan to make sure they know what happened to me as a child, and hopefully that will help them think about what their words will do to others.

[Mim]

Check for my view on Idol and parenting on my blog

http://mimsmithfaro.vox.com

[donna]

There is an old book (well, mid 80s) called "Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World". I took it as my main source for raising my kids. My sons are 17 and 21, never drank or smoked, dropped friends who got into drugs, never crashed a car or got anyone pregnant, one in college and the other a senior in high school.

It seemed to work pretty well. They've always had to suffer the consequences of their actions or inactions. Teachers would call to let me know about homework not done, I would say, "that is their responsibility, and if they don't do it, they will suffer the consequence. I don't rescue". Yeah, everyone thinks I'm nuts, huh? But, it works. They aren't in Ivy League schools, but they will make their own way in the world, whatever it is, and not count on someone else to bail them out.

I wish more of our current leadership had been raised that way....

[Amber]

No, Dami. You have not mised th ebost with her! She sees and hears all that you do. Just talk and ask her, I bet you would be proud of how much she has learned from you!

:)

[Dani]

Brava! I agree with everything you said in this post.

As for what I am doing as a parent: my biggest issue is learning how to present these life lessons without sounding like I'm lecturing my kids. How will I recognize the opportunity to say the right thing? I have a 13-year-old daughter and I wonder all the time if I've already missed my chance to turn her into a confident and responsible girl.

[Janet]

Hurray for you! I am so sick of humiliation and pain being viewed as entertainment. When did we become so jaded and calloused? Thank you for bringing this dirty little piece of laundry out into the open for all of us to confront. I applaud you.

[HoBess]

I'm with Melba ... there is too much here for a quickly crafted comment. I will, however, be back, with a permalink or something because you have spurred me to speak out ... I often don't on such issues because I try to believe the majority of parents are doing the best they know how to do. But the sad truth is that too many parents I encounter don't see parenting as the most important thing they do.

[Paris Parfait]

Amber, I saw your blog before I saw this, so left a comment on this piece there. xo

[Melba]

The other night I asked Sean if he thinks we should look into home schooling our children. He said no because the children need the socialization school provides. But I am concerned with all the crazy teachers, students, parents that are around. We probably won't home school our children, mostly because I don't think I could do the job justice.
I have so much I want to say and add to your post...
I am going to write in my journal.

I am glad you are in this world Amber, that you have a voice and are not afraid to use it!!!

XO,
Melba

XO,
Melba